Hey guys, it would mean a lot if you watched this video real quick, it regards my YouTube channel and it's a very important announcement. Thank you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YH5NYvhmi_M

Yeah it's gonna get really heavy, and it's really long

So I'm having a rough time, though I'm trying to deal with it the best I can. The last thing I want is to sink any lower and let everything else in my life slip.

I've been experiencing what I call the snowball effect, maybe people with Bipolar disorder or mental illness know what I'm talking about, but because of a continuous series of negative events in my life, it's bogged down my mental state and it's making me regress into some old habits. One of these events is a current and ongoing situation that I'm not really at liberty to talk about, out of respect for others involved and just for my own sake too, and I probably won't mention anything about it for another week or so. Just know that it's really majorly affecting me and people I'm close to. There's been some other things that have been compounding on each other that I can talk about though, one of those being when I got sick with the sinus and ear infection. I believe that the ear infection either hasn't gone away or wasn't cleared up with the medication I was prescribed. I think I may have built up antibodies to Amoxicillin because I get ear and sinus infections really frequently and I always get prescribed that. That, or something else is going on. I was thinking of getting an appointment to see an ENT (and a gastroenterologist too) but I don't think I can fit anything into my schedule before March when my insurance runs out. My family is switching to the insurance provided through my mom's employer and I technically won't be insured again until April.

I also haven't been able to see my therapist for several weeks now. I have tried to call every Monday with my work and school schedule availability to see what my therapist has open, but he will usually not have any openings when I'm available.  I'll likely not be able to fit into the spot he last left a message about for this Monday either. It might be obvious but I have to reiterate that my therapist is really important for me to have access to. There are things I've told my therapist that I haven't told my parents. My therapist knows about me being sexually assaulted, my parents don't because when it happened, they were wrapped up in news stories of women falsely accusing men of rape, and I didn't think they'd believe me. I've even been guilty of minimizing what happened by saying things like, "oh, well I wasn't raped, so it wasn't that bad," or, "he did back off after I pushed him off, even though it took a bit, so I can't claim it was assault." But I know how uncomfortable I was even in the moment and I remember how dirty and used I felt afterward. I know how apprehensive I felt when I had to sit in class not even a yard away from the guy who assaulted me. I remember how he pressured me over text after I went home to go further.

I don't know if I'll ever tell them. I don't see the person that assaulted me around anymore since I moved and I'm not even sure how I'd break that news to them. I felt so comforted being able to tell my therapist what I went through and I couldn't get that from my parents. I can't really tell anything to my parents in confidence because I'm constantly concerned that they'll not keep it private. My mom especially has a habit of gossiping about me to her friends and I have no sense of privacy or confidentiality with her, or my dad even.

That's also why I haven't let them know about what's on my mind. They've been out of town and I've been taking care of the dog and trying to take my mind off things, but it always comes back to what's eating me. Last night, I had an intense nightmare where I witnessed people that got shot and for whatever reason, I couldn't call 911. I got in the car with my dad and he berated and yelled at me and called me stupid for not knowing how to call 911. I've never once been thankful for my alarm going off in my life, but I am so glad it happened this morning. I don't remember my dreams often and they're often very strange and incoherent, but this one was so vivid and frightening that I can still remember it pretty well. I'm all torn up as I'm having dreams that stress me out now, the one thing I can usually count on to not terrorize me is becoming unsafe.

I tried to have a good day with my aunt and grandma, as I always try to make time for my aunt when she's visiting from California. Things went well until I was leaving the mall area and a pickup almost rammed me when I was about to cross an intersection. When I pulled up to the stoplight to turn left, he honked at me and when I looked over, he was screaming profanity at me. I tried to ignore him and just drove up to Hobby Lobby because I planned to go there. When I parked, who else but asshole pickup man pulls up when I'm getting out of my car. He yells at me that I needed to stop at the intersection, which I obviously did because I was stopped before him and I stopped as he was speeding into the intersection. I just ignored him and my face read pissed off but inside I was panic central. I went inside and immediately told one of my coworkers what happened and asked her to watch for the guy. I felt so unsafe and shaken up and I tried to blow off some steam by shopping there, but the feeling didn't leave til I was safe at home, car in the garage, home alarm system on, and a knife close by. I used to carry pepper spray when I worked at McDonald's but stopped when I didn't feel like I was in harm's way anymore. Now that I don't feel safe going to where I work (that is, a job I love) I need to carry that and maybe a switchblade again.

On top of everything, I have school and work stress going on that I'll have no matter what, and as it gets closer to midterms, there's more pressure to perform well in a concentration of a major that I don't even want to do anymore. I need time to talk to the professor I need to about switching my concentration but it's something that vexes me to think about, even though I know I'd be so much happier in the painting concentration than graphic design. At work, there's the overhanging audit that is forcing me and everyone else to be on our best behavior. Because of one of the medicines I take, Lithium, I get dehydrated very easily, and if I get dehydrated, my Lithium levels could spike to toxic levels and it could be fatal. Because of the audit, I can't keep my water bottle out of sight under the framing counter as it means points off. My only hope is to get a doctor's note to show to my managers that I literally need to have water on me at all times. There's just a lot of pressure at work when it comes to working in the framing department, one more thing to add to my stressor list.

The only thing that're keeping me going are my friends, mostly my best friend, Mil, and my dog. I owe that kid my life. It sounds dumb, but last night, I put on Starshopping by Lil Peep. That's a song that always calms me down and makes me feel like everything is gonna be alright. I broke down a bit and Lexi (my dog) came and laid down by my side while I curled up on the couch. I think that's when everything kind of hit. I'm not even sure when I'll be in a better headspace, as my baseline without all these stressors is still not great. I've just been trying to throw myself into homework and taking care of Lexi (she's got pinkeye again and putting that medicine in her eye by myself is almost impossible). Funnily enough, I told my professor a couple weeks into the school year that I felt like things are gonna fall apart. And look at things now. It's only a matter of more snowballing and time before I take a leave of absence from school and maybe even work. I feel like if things continue as they are I'm not gonna make it to the end of this semester, let alone the year. I feel that pretty soon, I'm gonna run out of things that keep me going. I'm sorry to disappoint everyone that thinks I'm strong, or a role model, or anything. I'm not able to handle anything.

I feel overwhelmed and I'm at my limit. I started breaking down again writing this out and yes, I did put Starshopping on again, on repeat. I want a break from everything so I can just come back normal again but Spring break isn't until mid March. I just don't have the time. The one person I know would be able to give me professional advice is my therapist and I'm being cut off from that. I don't know how or if I'll try to explain this to my parents. I'm very scared to reach out to them as they've been very dismissive of anything pertaining to my struggles with school or work or my mental health. I just want everything to be over. Very tempted to go full on dissociative fugue and start a new life in another country under a new name. The pressure is too much and I just want it to stop mounting.

Drop a 🙉🙈🙊 if you read this entire thing. I'd be genuinely impressed if you muscled through it. I revealed a lot of myself and what I'm going through. Just know it's cause I haven't been able to dump this on my usual guy because of all my dumb scheduling conflicts. It'll be like toeing around in a minefield, but I'll venture talking about this with mom and dad, if I even feel like it tomorrow.

I feel miserable. Goodnight. Feel better than me.

When I look back on my forum posts I realize that I always have zero luck fostering supportive discussion. I can't tell if this is a problem with me anymore, as I have a problem with my warped perception already from being gaslighted and living in an abusive home, but I'm slowly starting to think it's not. I've heard people say over and over that DeviantArt is a really toxic place and that the community sucks, and I really didn't believe it since I always had such positive experiences on here. That is until I started going to the forums. Let's just say I would rather have 20 more years of closed species and kin drama than ever go to the forums again. It's kind of a shock to me that the community in that part of dA is so uncaring and volatile, and that I barely hear anyone talk about this problem.

This might seem out of nowhere to some so let me fill you in on what went down last night. Last night I created this forum post after a really terrifying incident with my dad. It's completely detailed in that post but the TL;DR version is that my dad blew up on me, yelled in my face and backed me into a corner and made me feel like I was going to get hit, only because I said I didn't want to upgrade to the latest iPhone. I didn't even say that I didn't want it in a demeaning or nasty way, he just lost his temper and made me feel unsafe. I really needed to get that off my chest and out of my system because I don't really have anyone I can talk about this with IRL and I thought that sharing that to the forums would make me feel a bit better.

I have never been more wrong about anything in my life. I checked the replies to the thread today and I was absolutely assblasted to read what people had been saying. Everyone in the comments was berating me, telling me I was an ungrateful brat, and that I should just suck it up, even though my dad threatened me and made me feel unsafe in my own home. Out of all of them, I only read one, one comment that was in full support of me. It felt like people just didn't read the part where I said that I felt suicidal because I felt trapped and I felt like either killing myself or running away was what I had to do to avoid another situation like the one from last night. To those people: Just say my dad should've beat me and go.

It's heartbreaking to see everyone jeering and laughing at me in the comments when I posted something from when I was so vulnerable and afraid. Even when people were commenting "don't kill yourself," it felt so backhanded because I knew these same people would tell me to do a flip off a bridge because I'm apparently so spoiled. You wanna know something? This isn't about the iPhone upgrade anymore. I legitimately don't care about anything tech or Christmas related or what have you. My main issue is that my dad screamed me into submission and made me have a breakdown over something so stupidly minor. Worse yet is that my dad made a non-apology to me today where he said he was (allegedly) sorry for yelling at me but not sorry for why he did it? He made a bunch of excuses for lashing out at me, as abusers often do, and I don't feel like he said sorry to me at all. I truly don't think he'll even remember he blew up at me, but I'll remember it til the day I die, whether that's by my own hands or not.

I've learned my lesson about this, then. The forums are full of toxic, vile people who will side with my abusive parents because they take away that I'm a spoiled brat. I'm absolutely not, I don't ask for jack shit, I was even prepared to have a phone with a non-functioning camera and shattered screen for the next millennia. I always buy my own things when I want or need them, and I really think of myself as a humble person who doesn't whine or complain like other people do. I always do the chores my parents ask of me without backtalk, I do everything they say, and I'm grateful they put me and my brother through college and that I can still live at home while I go to school. The thing I don't appreciate is the permanent psychological damage I've received from them and people saying that I should just let that shit happen because I deserve it. I formed a mood disorder at the hands of my parents and it's something that's used in their mind games and manipulation, what do these sick people have to show for themselves? I'm done with people justifying my abusers and I want to find a community that doesn't allow this kind of vile derision.

I got so worked up I started sobbing as I type this up, I feel like such an idiot for trusting the forums in the first place. I've made the decision that I won't be posting in the forums again, for anything ever, and I'm going to work more on boosting myself on my own page and my other social media that haven't turned into vacuous holes. I feel small and insignificant again, and tomorrow might be different, but for now, I'm still reeling from the fact that the majority of dA forum users would say I deserve to live in fear of my abusive father.

Anyway, you can go in the forum post and shit all over me too and call me an entitled and selfish brat too if you want. I have no self-esteem already so it probably won't hurt more than it already does.

Also this might be my last vent on Newgrounds since it didn't go over well with people here either. Thank you for your input.

I have something really upsetting to say and it sucks to talk about it because I don't have anyone close to me IRL that I can reach out to about these things so ofc I turn to people I've never met face to face for strength and reassurance 

I implore you to read the whole thing, as I know this might come off as me being a spoiled child, but it's got more to it than that takeaway 

So I've been asking about getting a new phone for a while, my current phone, until recently, had a broken camera and a completely cracked screen. I could live with the screen and I barely notice it now (come to think of it it's probably the screen protector that's cracked) but I take photos a lot for myself and also for class. It's just really inconvenient for me to grab my crappy little Canon Powershot and deal with how much that stupid thing shakes and only then transfer my photos from the sim card to my computer and/or to my phone from there.

Our first plan, getting the old phone of a family friend to replace mine, didn't work out because the phone was under AT&T and mine is under Verizon, so it wouldn't let the SIM card be activated. I was kinda bummed because our other option would be buying another iPhone 6 off Gazelle, and that'd mean I wouldn't get the things I actually asked for on my Christmas list.  

So I was fully prepared to just scrape by with my current phone as a compromise, until my dad says we're all eligible to upgrade the whole family to iPhone 11's with T mobile. I expressed that I didn't want to get an iPhone 11, mostly because those don't have a headphone jack. I can't use Bluetooth in my car because the module in mine is destroyed and it would have to be sent back to Dodge and I just don't have the time. I rely on the aux cord to play my music and use GPS because I'm bad with directions and barely know how to get anywhere.

Dad's obviously into it for how much we save a month, but I say to him that I just want a 6, and I made it pretty clear I'm not budging on that. Seemingly out of nowhere, my dad stomps over to me, backs me into a corner, gets in my face to yell at me, points his finger at me, and makes me feel like I'm going to get hit. He rants about how I need an attitude adjustment, I'm upgrading with the family or else, and that my only other option is to get my own phone on my own plan myself. He knows I can't do that second option because I don't have a job right now since I'm (almost done with being) a full-time student, and my class load was too much with trying to balance work.  

That was the most intimated and frightened I think I've ever been of my dad. He's yelled at me and intimidated me before but one thing I felt sure of until today was that he'd never hit me or my brother or really anyone. Tonight, I felt like I was about to take a swing from him, which would probably put me in the hospital since my dad is an ex-powerlifter and a veteran. The kicker though was that my mom, who's a piece of work in her own right, completely let this slide and didn't do shit while dad was one step away from whipping me with his belt.

I held in everything as I took my stuff up to my room and I just cried once the lights were off and the noise machine was cranked up all the way. I couldn't stop shaking and I forced myself to scream into my pillow so I wouldn't alert my parents. I felt helpless because I have few friends that live close to me, so no one can take me in or help me that I know of. I feel like if I don't get out of this hellhole, I'm going to die, and it'll be by my own hands.

Honestly, I don't know why my dad chose this to get so bent out of shape over, it's literally not that deep, it's just about phones for god's sake. Regardless, if that little thing got blown out of proportion, I don't wanna stick around for what else might happen. I don't feel safe in my house; before I was just fed up with my mom's mind games, emotional abuse, and manipulation, but now I'm fearing for my physical safety as well, something I haven't really before, and I need to get out of here now.

Tomorrow I want to have a pretty big conversation with my dad, where I'll tell him essentially that if he ever gets in my face yelling and backing me into a corner making me think I'll get hit again, I will 100% call the cops on him and have him arrested. His behavior is unacceptable. He has a lot of nerve telling me that my attitude is awful when he's cornering his daughter like an animal. I can't believe I have to lay these ground rules out with my father but apparently I'm the only one that's gonna keep him in line.

All this happens during finals week of course, so it's only stress after stress after stress.

I have no idea what I'm going to do and I know that I'll just be expected to act like that never happened, but this really is spurring me into finding a job over the holidays and getting an apartment of my own.  

Okay so for maybe the past 3 days I've actually been having dreams which is unusual for me, I dream once in a blue moon

First dream was that I was just chilling with Til Lindemann, who's the lead singer for this underground band idk any of you have heard of, Rammstein

I can't remember much from that one so idk what circumstances led up to me meeting him but we were in fact chilling and vibing

Literally just hung out with that guy in that dream

The next dream was more of a nightmare but my actions were really stupid for the scenario

So like, I knew for a fact I was pregnant, but I decided to take Plan B even though that's only gonna work within 72 hours of unprotected sex and not like when you're already pregnant

The rest of that dream was just looking into straight abortion but honestly my fear of pregnancy is invading my dreams now

Maybe it's my subconscious telling me I need to get birth control already

The next dream I had kicked it into fucking high gear though

So there was this guy who I guess was a humanoid snake, he had black hair, green skin, and the most baffling piece wasn't that, it was that he also had a really nice red suit?

There was another guy and girl whose names I didn't get or remember, in fact idk snake guy's name either, and what they were doing were busting the snake guy out of a mental hospital

Like Red 2 type shit

Snake guy also is like my kinda guy because he had the ability to shapeshift, and could capture people perfectly like an exact copy

So at one point he shapeshifted into the girl right? And he was like sarcastically taunting her about "oh you're perfect but if only your tits were bigger" and he just like

Grew fatter fuckin tiddies right there and she was furious ofc

The rest is a blur but that's about what I remember

anyway uh my dreams been wildin lately

I guess it's a good sign since this means I'm having REM sleep

So it's midterms at school (hence why my activity has trickled to a minimum oops-) and it's really been taking a toll on me

I think tonight I might be staying up to lord knows when to finish work. Some of it's been pure procrastination and old habits I never broke but just as much is the amount of work I've had to do for each class. For perspective, I'm a full time student and I take a couple 400 level classes. I often have ended up only being able to work on assignments the night before or the day it's due, and I've also turned in work that I know will get ripped to shreds because I simply had to show something in an unreasonable amount of time. Just today, I got back the book project from my Typography teacher that I and all the other students have been working on since the first week of class. I knew it wasn't perfect, but I know I had some leeway because this is Type 2 and I'd really not had any formal typography class, printed a whole book, etc. I turned it in and I was kind of proud I saw it through. I would have been fine with a low B, but when I got it back today, it was a C+. And now that grade is in my midterm grade, and I really don't have much wiggle room as far as grading goes. I hope to god the next project bumps me up, but that's really just bringing the book to a digital format (web and mobile). I've been told that this won't really matter in the long run, but my confidence about this class was really shattered today. Not helping is that I caught a glimpse of one of the other girls' books and hers was a 90...and our professor said that the class had really strong books to put in our portfolios.

What blows me out of my asshole is that my advisor thought that I would be fine in a second-level class without having the first level. I'm clearly not fine here but I really can't get out of this class this far in. I feel like I'd be disappointing my parents and the professor, and I'd also just feel like I'm really stupid for thinking I could live up to a standard that I'll never be able to.

Also, this weekend, I quite literally busted my ass by falling right on it when I fell down the stairs at my grandparents. I felt like I bruised my tailbone from it and it genuinely hurt to sit for a few days. I couldn't sit for long periods of time to work on anything until today, really. I still feel slightly uh...butthurt, in a literal way, but I just hope the bruise on the peach is healing normally.

I am so sick of feeling like everything is just going to come unfurled. The thing I fear the most is breaking down in front of a professor, and I feel like it might happen if they raise their voice at me or talk condescendingly when I'm at my wits end. I want just one day where I can truly fuck off and not do shit all day, but I don't think I've had more than a couple hours to take breaks to rest, shower, or eat.

Anyway fuck a design major, fuck how everyone requires a bachelors degree over actual experience in the field, fuck how much work professors are deluded into thinking us students can do, and fuck getting my asshole reamed by my grandparents' stairs

So today was my orientation at university for my bachelor's degree and I am just so happy to have the hardest part over. I'm all registered, I have my student ID, I got my loans and all done, and I just...feel so happy that I'm here finally.

Also I got my books ordered and it's kind of a funny story; so my dad went with me today and he just said "I hope your books are only ten bucks." I didn't think that it would be, as I'm a graphic design major going onto an internship (hopefully) and in my years of going to community college, the books for my studies are always through the roof price wise and I could never rent them, get an e-book version or even get them used.

So we go to the library and we look up all my classes to get all my books and...I only had one book required that was $13

I have never had to pay that little for textbooks during a semester so my dad was almost crying in the library and thanking god for it

I also have a really good person from the graphic design department advising me, he knew the department head from my community college and was glad that I already had all my entry-level classes for GDT done

I have classes on Wednesday-Thursday and my Fridays and weekends are free :D

I have another orientation the Friday before classes start in August and I'm looking forward to it! I'll be going back frequently til then to familiarize myself with the area and the campus itself, and I'll have to talk to the Disability Support people; although I hope to not need any accommodations, I'd rather be safe than sorry

I'm looking forward to trying to intern, I couldn't do it this semester even if I was ready because I doubt first-semester students rarely get those but I'll be able to get more experience til then!

Okay so I've been on Reddit for a couple years now and in my entire history on the site I haven't had a drawing removed once...until today

The only other time a post of mine got any flak was when one commission subreddit claimed I was low-balling my prices to undercut other artists, even though I thought that's what my art was worth and I was terrified to raise my prices until much later, but even then it remained up

So last night I posted the Araime drawing I did to r/art, and I noticed first off that I got 3 notifications on my phone but each time I went to respond to them Reddit wouldn't let me see the comments from the app or the desktop version...ok

Then today a mod took down the post, giving me the reason that my drawing wasn't allowed because it was "a meme or low quality work":

Could you have....pointed me to where exactly my drawing is a meme or a fucking MS Paint drawing???

It's not even for a NSFW reason since NSFW art is allowed but...the fuck is this? I'd like to meet whoever called my art a low quality meme and kick the shit out of their tiny nuts and micropenis

I still feel like it's just asshole mods taking down art just 'cause

I didn't even break any rules so I just don't understand

I left r/art and I'm just gonna stick to subs where my art doesn't get taken down for dumbass reasons

So I know that other artists that draw NSFW like I do probably face this on some level and I think it's something that needs to be addressed

One of the worst things about being a "porn artist" besides all the other stigma and not being taken seriously is that my completely inoffensive, SFW art gets scrutinized and called sexual too

What's worse for me, especially recently, but in the past as well, is that a good chunk of my SFW art features young children. May I remind you these children are always fully clothed, never nude at all, and going on SFW, non-sexual adventures

Still, this SAFE FOR WORK art has gotten me accused of supporting pedophilia, which, I dunno if you could tell but I absolutely do not condone pedophilia in the slightest

Even if it's said as a joke, it's a really horrible joke and makes me want to block, report, cut off, and call out people I've known for years

I really implore people to not joke about this, not just to me but to my fellow NSFW artists. I have a hunch that we're like-minded individuals and that we do not appreciate being called deviant pedophiles or supporters of other crimes. We're people that just like to draw sexual things, we don't want to come under fire for our SFW, general artwork. Bottom line, we are just people, just like you people that call us sick for drawing SFW.

I know that there's also a problem with false flagging of art but that's another post for another time

TL;DR: Stop saying that when a porn artist draws SFW that it is sexual in any way or supports rape, abuse, pedophilia, etc. even as a joke. It's super hurtful and makes us all very upset and more likely to close ourselves off from online communities. If it offends you, just block us and move on. Other people enjoy it, leave us alone and keep that shit to yourself.

I graduate tomorrow morning, and I have the practice for it tonight!

I don't talk about it much but if you told me after I almost flunked my first semester that I'd graduate this year, I wouldn't have believed you. I was told by everyone in my personal life that it was all my fault and that I was on the track to go right back to being institutionalized which made me feel awful. I hate being seen as only a mentally ill freak and no one in my life was helping.

So I can't say for sure what got me turned around, but I'm guessing it was just that I wanted to throw up a big middle finger to my abusive, manipulative family and say that I'm more than a bipolar loser. I'm very happy to be graduating and I'm very happy that I've stood up to my abusers and told them I'm not taking that shit anymore.

I continue at another university in the fall for another two years, my next step is moving out on my own and going no contact with my parents, as they're the one thing that still holds me back. I feel good to be finally done with this shit after all this time :)