Yeah it's gonna get really heavy, and it's really long
So I'm having a rough time, though I'm trying to deal with it the best I can. The last thing I want is to sink any lower and let everything else in my life slip.
I've been experiencing what I call the snowball effect, maybe people with Bipolar disorder or mental illness know what I'm talking about, but because of a continuous series of negative events in my life, it's bogged down my mental state and it's making me regress into some old habits. One of these events is a current and ongoing situation that I'm not really at liberty to talk about, out of respect for others involved and just for my own sake too, and I probably won't mention anything about it for another week or so. Just know that it's really majorly affecting me and people I'm close to. There's been some other things that have been compounding on each other that I can talk about though, one of those being when I got sick with the sinus and ear infection. I believe that the ear infection either hasn't gone away or wasn't cleared up with the medication I was prescribed. I think I may have built up antibodies to Amoxicillin because I get ear and sinus infections really frequently and I always get prescribed that. That, or something else is going on. I was thinking of getting an appointment to see an ENT (and a gastroenterologist too) but I don't think I can fit anything into my schedule before March when my insurance runs out. My family is switching to the insurance provided through my mom's employer and I technically won't be insured again until April.
I also haven't been able to see my therapist for several weeks now. I have tried to call every Monday with my work and school schedule availability to see what my therapist has open, but he will usually not have any openings when I'm available. I'll likely not be able to fit into the spot he last left a message about for this Monday either. It might be obvious but I have to reiterate that my therapist is really important for me to have access to. There are things I've told my therapist that I haven't told my parents. My therapist knows about me being sexually assaulted, my parents don't because when it happened, they were wrapped up in news stories of women falsely accusing men of rape, and I didn't think they'd believe me. I've even been guilty of minimizing what happened by saying things like, "oh, well I wasn't raped, so it wasn't that bad," or, "he did back off after I pushed him off, even though it took a bit, so I can't claim it was assault." But I know how uncomfortable I was even in the moment and I remember how dirty and used I felt afterward. I know how apprehensive I felt when I had to sit in class not even a yard away from the guy who assaulted me. I remember how he pressured me over text after I went home to go further.
I don't know if I'll ever tell them. I don't see the person that assaulted me around anymore since I moved and I'm not even sure how I'd break that news to them. I felt so comforted being able to tell my therapist what I went through and I couldn't get that from my parents. I can't really tell anything to my parents in confidence because I'm constantly concerned that they'll not keep it private. My mom especially has a habit of gossiping about me to her friends and I have no sense of privacy or confidentiality with her, or my dad even.
That's also why I haven't let them know about what's on my mind. They've been out of town and I've been taking care of the dog and trying to take my mind off things, but it always comes back to what's eating me. Last night, I had an intense nightmare where I witnessed people that got shot and for whatever reason, I couldn't call 911. I got in the car with my dad and he berated and yelled at me and called me stupid for not knowing how to call 911. I've never once been thankful for my alarm going off in my life, but I am so glad it happened this morning. I don't remember my dreams often and they're often very strange and incoherent, but this one was so vivid and frightening that I can still remember it pretty well. I'm all torn up as I'm having dreams that stress me out now, the one thing I can usually count on to not terrorize me is becoming unsafe.
I tried to have a good day with my aunt and grandma, as I always try to make time for my aunt when she's visiting from California. Things went well until I was leaving the mall area and a pickup almost rammed me when I was about to cross an intersection. When I pulled up to the stoplight to turn left, he honked at me and when I looked over, he was screaming profanity at me. I tried to ignore him and just drove up to Hobby Lobby because I planned to go there. When I parked, who else but asshole pickup man pulls up when I'm getting out of my car. He yells at me that I needed to stop at the intersection, which I obviously did because I was stopped before him and I stopped as he was speeding into the intersection. I just ignored him and my face read pissed off but inside I was panic central. I went inside and immediately told one of my coworkers what happened and asked her to watch for the guy. I felt so unsafe and shaken up and I tried to blow off some steam by shopping there, but the feeling didn't leave til I was safe at home, car in the garage, home alarm system on, and a knife close by. I used to carry pepper spray when I worked at McDonald's but stopped when I didn't feel like I was in harm's way anymore. Now that I don't feel safe going to where I work (that is, a job I love) I need to carry that and maybe a switchblade again.
On top of everything, I have school and work stress going on that I'll have no matter what, and as it gets closer to midterms, there's more pressure to perform well in a concentration of a major that I don't even want to do anymore. I need time to talk to the professor I need to about switching my concentration but it's something that vexes me to think about, even though I know I'd be so much happier in the painting concentration than graphic design. At work, there's the overhanging audit that is forcing me and everyone else to be on our best behavior. Because of one of the medicines I take, Lithium, I get dehydrated very easily, and if I get dehydrated, my Lithium levels could spike to toxic levels and it could be fatal. Because of the audit, I can't keep my water bottle out of sight under the framing counter as it means points off. My only hope is to get a doctor's note to show to my managers that I literally need to have water on me at all times. There's just a lot of pressure at work when it comes to working in the framing department, one more thing to add to my stressor list.
The only thing that're keeping me going are my friends, mostly my best friend, Mil, and my dog. I owe that kid my life. It sounds dumb, but last night, I put on Starshopping by Lil Peep. That's a song that always calms me down and makes me feel like everything is gonna be alright. I broke down a bit and Lexi (my dog) came and laid down by my side while I curled up on the couch. I think that's when everything kind of hit. I'm not even sure when I'll be in a better headspace, as my baseline without all these stressors is still not great. I've just been trying to throw myself into homework and taking care of Lexi (she's got pinkeye again and putting that medicine in her eye by myself is almost impossible). Funnily enough, I told my professor a couple weeks into the school year that I felt like things are gonna fall apart. And look at things now. It's only a matter of more snowballing and time before I take a leave of absence from school and maybe even work. I feel like if things continue as they are I'm not gonna make it to the end of this semester, let alone the year. I feel that pretty soon, I'm gonna run out of things that keep me going. I'm sorry to disappoint everyone that thinks I'm strong, or a role model, or anything. I'm not able to handle anything.
I feel overwhelmed and I'm at my limit. I started breaking down again writing this out and yes, I did put Starshopping on again, on repeat. I want a break from everything so I can just come back normal again but Spring break isn't until mid March. I just don't have the time. The one person I know would be able to give me professional advice is my therapist and I'm being cut off from that. I don't know how or if I'll try to explain this to my parents. I'm very scared to reach out to them as they've been very dismissive of anything pertaining to my struggles with school or work or my mental health. I just want everything to be over. Very tempted to go full on dissociative fugue and start a new life in another country under a new name. The pressure is too much and I just want it to stop mounting.
Drop a 🙉🙈🙊 if you read this entire thing. I'd be genuinely impressed if you muscled through it. I revealed a lot of myself and what I'm going through. Just know it's cause I haven't been able to dump this on my usual guy because of all my dumb scheduling conflicts. It'll be like toeing around in a minefield, but I'll venture talking about this with mom and dad, if I even feel like it tomorrow.
I feel miserable. Goodnight. Feel better than me.