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View Profile GraySlate
Hello! I'm Nikki, I'm 20, and I really wanna make comics about my 300 OCs
Also I really like drawing fat anime tiddies
I use Vocaloid and UTAU and I make my own music sometimes

20, Female

Cashier

College

Maryland

Joined on 2/17/19

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I don't know why I expect things to change

Posted by GraySlate - December 10th, 2019


When I look back on my forum posts I realize that I always have zero luck fostering supportive discussion. I can't tell if this is a problem with me anymore, as I have a problem with my warped perception already from being gaslighted and living in an abusive home, but I'm slowly starting to think it's not. I've heard people say over and over that DeviantArt is a really toxic place and that the community sucks, and I really didn't believe it since I always had such positive experiences on here. That is until I started going to the forums. Let's just say I would rather have 20 more years of closed species and kin drama than ever go to the forums again. It's kind of a shock to me that the community in that part of dA is so uncaring and volatile, and that I barely hear anyone talk about this problem.


This might seem out of nowhere to some so let me fill you in on what went down last night. Last night I created this forum post after a really terrifying incident with my dad. It's completely detailed in that post but the TL;DR version is that my dad blew up on me, yelled in my face and backed me into a corner and made me feel like I was going to get hit, only because I said I didn't want to upgrade to the latest iPhone. I didn't even say that I didn't want it in a demeaning or nasty way, he just lost his temper and made me feel unsafe. I really needed to get that off my chest and out of my system because I don't really have anyone I can talk about this with IRL and I thought that sharing that to the forums would make me feel a bit better.


I have never been more wrong about anything in my life. I checked the replies to the thread today and I was absolutely assblasted to read what people had been saying. Everyone in the comments was berating me, telling me I was an ungrateful brat, and that I should just suck it up, even though my dad threatened me and made me feel unsafe in my own home. Out of all of them, I only read one, one comment that was in full support of me. It felt like people just didn't read the part where I said that I felt suicidal because I felt trapped and I felt like either killing myself or running away was what I had to do to avoid another situation like the one from last night. To those people: Just say my dad should've beat me and go.


It's heartbreaking to see everyone jeering and laughing at me in the comments when I posted something from when I was so vulnerable and afraid. Even when people were commenting "don't kill yourself," it felt so backhanded because I knew these same people would tell me to do a flip off a bridge because I'm apparently so spoiled. You wanna know something? This isn't about the iPhone upgrade anymore. I legitimately don't care about anything tech or Christmas related or what have you. My main issue is that my dad screamed me into submission and made me have a breakdown over something so stupidly minor. Worse yet is that my dad made a non-apology to me today where he said he was (allegedly) sorry for yelling at me but not sorry for why he did it? He made a bunch of excuses for lashing out at me, as abusers often do, and I don't feel like he said sorry to me at all. I truly don't think he'll even remember he blew up at me, but I'll remember it til the day I die, whether that's by my own hands or not.


I've learned my lesson about this, then. The forums are full of toxic, vile people who will side with my abusive parents because they take away that I'm a spoiled brat. I'm absolutely not, I don't ask for jack shit, I was even prepared to have a phone with a non-functioning camera and shattered screen for the next millennia. I always buy my own things when I want or need them, and I really think of myself as a humble person who doesn't whine or complain like other people do. I always do the chores my parents ask of me without backtalk, I do everything they say, and I'm grateful they put me and my brother through college and that I can still live at home while I go to school. The thing I don't appreciate is the permanent psychological damage I've received from them and people saying that I should just let that shit happen because I deserve it. I formed a mood disorder at the hands of my parents and it's something that's used in their mind games and manipulation, what do these sick people have to show for themselves? I'm done with people justifying my abusers and I want to find a community that doesn't allow this kind of vile derision.


I got so worked up I started sobbing as I type this up, I feel like such an idiot for trusting the forums in the first place. I've made the decision that I won't be posting in the forums again, for anything ever, and I'm going to work more on boosting myself on my own page and my other social media that haven't turned into vacuous holes. I feel small and insignificant again, and tomorrow might be different, but for now, I'm still reeling from the fact that the majority of dA forum users would say I deserve to live in fear of my abusive father.


Anyway, you can go in the forum post and shit all over me too and call me an entitled and selfish brat too if you want. I have no self-esteem already so it probably won't hurt more than it already does.


Also this might be my last vent on Newgrounds since it didn't go over well with people here either. Thank you for your input.


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Comments (1)

Where is the forum post on NG?I only see DeviantArt link.

I thought I'd changed it to be the NG link, either that or I kept it to the dA forum post so the comments could be read? There's still some really bad takes on the NG post though. Pretty much that same thing I posted on dA can be read here: https://grayslate.newgrounds.com/news/post/1078274